Wednesday, February 14, 2007

What Women Really Want: A Valentine's Day Gift Wish List

A Shamelessly Sexist Valentine's Day Gift Wish List

In honor of the day, I wrote the following. Today's official blog topic, "Why Work-at-Home Scams Succeed So Often" is posted below, but I couldn't help myself with this one -- it just kind of flew from the pen. Enjoy!

Y. Black, Publisher

Valentine's Day Gift Wish #1: Gloves. For you! You know those rubber yellow gloves used to wash dishes. That's what we want - a bag full of them - in your size!

Oh, they are the sexiest kind of accessory, especially when you wear them to scrub toilets, wash dishes, clean windows and dust shelves.

And, if you happen to keep them on while you manhandle the broom, commandeer a mop or break out the dustbuster - so be it. Far be it for us to tell you that you don't need to wear gloves when using these household items.

Poor thing, you probably didn't know, and we don't want to interrupt your flow. So go, on, keep them on. The bright yellow makes it easy for us to find you to assign your next task.

Valentine's Day Gift Wish #2: Tools. For us! Why? So we won't break a nail doing those things around the house we've asked you a million times to do, yet finally break down and do ourselves.

And, since we never know where your tools are, or which doo-dad to use for what if we do stumble across them, we rely on two old favorites -- the butter knife and the wedge heel of our favorite pair of pumps.

You'd be surprised how many tools in your box these little babies can replace. They can put up curtain rods, bang in nails and twist in screws, among a host of other duties.

And you know what? We can still butter your toast with the knife and step out in style alongside you in the pumps. After all, we girls are naturals at multi-tasking!

BUT, we get tired of it. It would be so nice to have our own little box of do-jabbies to handle those pesky little "I'm gonna get to it" jobs around the house that you just never seem to have time for.

We understand. You're a busy guy. After all, there are three football games on Thursday night. By the time you fight traffic to get home, all you have time for before kickoff is a beer and pizza run.

Valentine's Day Gift Wish #3: A Whistle. To blow when you're not paying attention. As you recognize this as the sound of authority from your football games, we figured this would be a sure-fire way to call your attention to a foul (eg, not taking out the garbage, not cleaning out the garage and forgetting to pick up dinner one night out of seven).

Again, we know, you're a busy guy. When you commit a foul, you don't mean it. It's not an "intentional" or "flagrant" foul. You were simply going full speed ahead - with your life. You can't be expected to stop and remember your other half.

We promise not to misuse this gift; not to blow it too loud, or too often. We don't want to be taken out of the game (eg, left for another woman). We just want your attention.

So, forget the chocolates, the flowers and yes -- even the diamonds. These things are a girl's best friend, especially when they're attached to the best man in her life. That would be YOU!

Happy Valentine's Day, darling.


Laura said...

Hey, I liked getting my chocolates!!

Inkwell Editorial said...

Me too Laura, but a clean kitchen and bathroom -- that you didn't have to clean -- is just as exhilirating, don'cha think?